Trying to be Positive

I keep bobbing between being positive and wanting to give up. My hope is that maybe if I hit rock bottom I'll have nowhere to go but up. I think the overload of work and homework probably has something to do with it.

I hope you like the changes I've made to my set up and background! Dandelions are my all time favorite flower! I'm getting so tired and tomorrow is going to be such a busy day because I have a major project due that I haven't started and a test I need to take online. Luckily I've already studied and taken notes! I just wish my work load would slow down, but I know it's practically my fault for taking breaks during the week when in reality, I need to be working at least a little everyday. Such is life. At least I'm figuring out what I need to improve.

Funny how I can sound so positive now, when before I was melting down. I finally walked away from the conversation. It's not anything the other person did, I just know when I'm spiraling what I need to do is to walk away so I can get a grip. If I stay around the person I almost feel like I have permission or an obligation to keep venting. I feel better once I walk away and breath. I feel a lot better now, less overwhelmed. The problem is I never know what state I leave the other person in and I know it's unfair to leave them hanging and worrying about me. Someday I'll find a way of balancing things but at least I'm starting to recognize my major flaws. I'm learning so much....mostly from my mistakes. I wish I could argue that I've learned nothing, so as to put less stress on the fact that I've made mistakes, but the reality is that they are there and they are waving the flag of various lessons.

Annnnnd now I'm babbling, but it feels so good to get things out, to let my hands run lose! I wish I had something more interesting to say than things about myself, but I'm at a point in my life where I need to learn to understand and accept myself before I'll be ready to let anything else or anyone else truly in. I want to get passed my problems and know how to fight them so I can be a better person to others.

Someday I hope that I will be talking about many different and exciting things. I know with time, I will. I will make it. I have to.

Love, love, love

Nothing insightful or impacting to say, just have things to say.

Take care

[Insert something insightful here]

I'm currently at work (I'm a tutor, hence my use of the computer) and I only have...."looks at clock" two more hours of work and then 2 hours of waiting for my lil sis to get off of her job (we car pool). I just finished review my information and taking note on APA format for my test that is due Sunday. I'm about to work on finishing up my Conflict Management homework but I needed to long over due veg time. I really, REALLY want a diet coke, but I'm the only tutor in here at the moment and being such I'd have to close down and kick out the students working in here. So I'm waiting (and WAITING) for another tutor to come in an hour (or until I get off) so I can flood my system with sweet, syrupy acid!

Last night I fell asleep so much more peacefully than normal after writing on this. I'm starting to think that this blog business might be thereputic for me. I'm going to experiment with writing on here to see if it continues to work. It's funny because a diary or journal just makes me feel all balled up, like I'm keeping all my thoughts and worries choked down.

PAUSE

Sorry....Had to tutor three students and that takes a while!

Where was I? Oh yes! The difference I've noticed with a blog is it allows me to share my feelings with someone else, but because I have absolutely no clue who is reading this I am free from judgement (or if judgement is happening, I don't know!)

AND.....another student has walked in. Last week I was completely alone for two hours! OH well!

And.....back again. I'm tired and hungry despite eating my lunch. Well, now I feel like I'm just rambling away, so off I go to the wild...something or another!

Toddles!

PS-if I'm not just talking to a void, leave me a comment!

Talking to the Void

To try and induce sleep I'm going to babble.

My plan tomorrow is once I get off work, I am going to come home, watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and eat pizza. I like this plan very much. Reminds me of the fact that my nephew Dezzy is taking a strong liking to the ninja turtles. So far he has "Lynardo" and "Raphyelle"'s names memorized and I couldn't be more proud! The little squish melts my heart!

It is settled! Work, homework, and than a night of pizza and movie classics! I approve of my plan and fully intend to see it through to the end! I'm trying to remain positive, even when I treat myself, as well as work on escalating my motivation. Maybe I'll work on my cover letter for the internships I'm applying for as I watch! =)

I am going to make tomorrow a good day, even if things go bad.

I'm promising this to myself now, so as to make sure that I don't be hard on myself later.

Wish me luck!

Toddles! <3