I'm just in a mood to smash my finger in an organized fashion across the key board (not to mention I'm killing time while a devil of a document takes it's time to load). My schedule is getting fuller to the point that it may possible burst, or I will bust, I guess it will be which happens first. I will find a way to juggle it all, there is no other option.
"Sigh"
it's hard to not get too personal on this blog. A natural pull towards superstition mixed with a reality based fear of stalkers leads me to think that typing anything too personal might be borderline dangerous.
I miss the stage
I miss typing.
I actually missed learning.
See me in two weeks when I eat those words.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thunder
The storm is finally passing, but it was previously a tangle of fast rain and loud thunder. The sheets of bright lighting slid through the slits in my bedroom shades, lighting up my blackened room. All the while he sleeps, tired from water and work and worry. I sleep beside him, hungry for rest that week has made my body crave. I can only sleep so long in this weather, feeling like one of us must be awake to stand guard from the monster of a storm. The beast has finally calmed itself, moving far off enough so the flashes only serve a faint reminder of its fury and the thunder dulled to a distant purr. He breathes steadily. His hand lightly cupping the ball of my foot as I am on the couch and he is sprawled on the floor so that his long limbs can spread wide. A soft breathe in, a light huff out. The work of his lungs assures me that there can be peace, even in the middle of all this action. The world outside my windows is calming, he is calm, my uneasy heart is slowing. My fingers typing is the loudest of noises now. I stop so that I will not disrupt the ease of the world with my fast and clunky fingers. The world seems right again. I am less afraid now.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
vent vent vent
my life has become consumed with my new job and it's dragging me down.... but I will get through it. It isn't that the job is terrible....it's is just a lot more stress than I am used to dealing with. i have to learn to control my emotions. they are starting to eat at me like many tiny, nashing teeth. I could easily swat them away but instead i choose to let them bit past the skin. i have to get a grip. i have to find a way to be okay with my situation with however long it intends on last. i am going to be okay. i am going to get through it. and i should be better than whining and pouting. this loathsome stage ends now. it has to or it risks hurting everything that is keeping me together. tomorrow is ovo. i will be happy. i am happy
amen
amen
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Almost There!
I can see the end in sight and it looks so glorious! I just have to maintain my focus (which is slipping) for a few more days and then I can enjoy the freedom of not having to do homework since last August! I cannot wait!
Also, I have a writing project that officially starts tomorrow! This should be fun! Not to mention I'm hoping to write something paragraphs or substance, and not just my daily babbles, very soon! Until than we will all have to bear the load a little longer!
According to the comment keeper-tracker-thingy someone somewhere is looking at this blog. Mercy I hope it's not anything or anyone creepy or evil. I guess that doesn't matter but I have no idea because no one leaves comments! I might be being (<--does that work) read by ghosts!
Okay, my hands are warmed up. Time to crank out the last half of this stupid final project!!!!
ANNNNNNNNDDDD GO!
Toddles! <3
Also, I have a writing project that officially starts tomorrow! This should be fun! Not to mention I'm hoping to write something paragraphs or substance, and not just my daily babbles, very soon! Until than we will all have to bear the load a little longer!
According to the comment keeper-tracker-thingy someone somewhere is looking at this blog. Mercy I hope it's not anything or anyone creepy or evil. I guess that doesn't matter but I have no idea because no one leaves comments! I might be being (<--does that work) read by ghosts!
Okay, my hands are warmed up. Time to crank out the last half of this stupid final project!!!!
ANNNNNNNNDDDD GO!
Toddles! <3
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Snap....
There was a very angry rant here.
But I thought twice and erased it.
I don't exactly feel better, but I know I feel better than if I were to send all of that bad energy out.
You win this round enlightenment.
But I thought twice and erased it.
I don't exactly feel better, but I know I feel better than if I were to send all of that bad energy out.
You win this round enlightenment.
Only a Few Days Left
Long day at work, but at least it is done! I'm sooo sleepy but I have to study and then take my Communication Studies final! I'm going to try to nap a little and watch a movie review before I crack down on studying. I can't wait to be done, and I'm almost there. Only a few more final projects, tests, and homework assignments to go! I can't wait to be free! I will start my internship soon too!
Btw I devised a starter list of places I want to go:
1. Paris, France
2. The Skywalker Ranch
3. Broadway in New York City
That's my rough start, and I LOVE IT! <3 Got to keep that positive energy going! Not much time to take my adventures yet because my internship is going to be pretty time consuming this summer, but it is all good! =) I will get there someday!
Btw I devised a starter list of places I want to go:
1. Paris, France
2. The Skywalker Ranch
3. Broadway in New York City
That's my rough start, and I LOVE IT! <3 Got to keep that positive energy going! Not much time to take my adventures yet because my internship is going to be pretty time consuming this summer, but it is all good! =) I will get there someday!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Warming Up for Essay Writing!
Today I have to write an essay on a communications concept, theory, or time in history. I intended on writing about audio documentaries but I am finding very limited sources on the subject because it is fairly new. As you might have noticed I am writing this and not my paper. I really am hitting a wall with school. Once I get started on this paper I know I will just plow through it nonstop until it is done, but so far I lack the drive to continuously hack away on nonverbal communication. I also have to do plan workshop for another class, but that is not due until Monday. It has been a long couple of weeks and it is only going to get longer, but I know I can do it! I have to!
I wish I had more interesting things to say on here. Life is mostly consisting of homework and what little fear time I have for movies and such. I took a 3 hour long nap yesterday. If you knew me you'd know that that is a miracle! I blame Alex (not me). I'm trying to stay practiced with my writing, and this blog is helping greatly with just that! I can't wait to start my project once finals are done! I also can't wait for my internship to start. I decided instead of building it up into something perfect I'm thinking rationally about what I probably won't like about it. My hope is that that state of thinking will help me better appreciate the good stuff! "Sigh" Overthinking everything as usual.
On the very brightest of sides, I am feeling less and less afraid of writing. I accept that I am not the best out there, but know that I have a lot of potential to work with and polish. Someday I can hope to be great, but for now I will accept where I'm at. Life is working; I'm working; I will find a way. (Never thought about it, but can you use more than one semicolon in a sentence when it's not a list?!?) Hmmm....oh well!
Okay, my fingers are all warmed up. Time to write a paper!
And Not Me wants to come over even though we planned not to see each other all weekend because of our homework. Bahaha....I adore that guy <3
Maybe I'll post my essay on here when it's done! Though, it won't be anything good of special!
Toddles!
I wish I had more interesting things to say on here. Life is mostly consisting of homework and what little fear time I have for movies and such. I took a 3 hour long nap yesterday. If you knew me you'd know that that is a miracle! I blame Alex (not me). I'm trying to stay practiced with my writing, and this blog is helping greatly with just that! I can't wait to start my project once finals are done! I also can't wait for my internship to start. I decided instead of building it up into something perfect I'm thinking rationally about what I probably won't like about it. My hope is that that state of thinking will help me better appreciate the good stuff! "Sigh" Overthinking everything as usual.
On the very brightest of sides, I am feeling less and less afraid of writing. I accept that I am not the best out there, but know that I have a lot of potential to work with and polish. Someday I can hope to be great, but for now I will accept where I'm at. Life is working; I'm working; I will find a way. (Never thought about it, but can you use more than one semicolon in a sentence when it's not a list?!?) Hmmm....oh well!
Okay, my fingers are all warmed up. Time to write a paper!
And Not Me wants to come over even though we planned not to see each other all weekend because of our homework. Bahaha....I adore that guy <3
Maybe I'll post my essay on here when it's done! Though, it won't be anything good of special!
Toddles!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Like Clockwork
Every time I feel adjusted and okay with myself, it happens. Every time I think I'm happy it all comes back. I just...am at a loss. I will not let this confuse me, I will not let this cause me to sway. I just wish that things weren't so one sided. I wish that I could make selfish requests. I'm never granted that luxury. I want to make things fair...but I can't without being cruel. I can only choose to bow my head and keep going. I need to move forward. I need to keep running, and I will.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Found a Muse
Problem is that I'm up to my eyeballs in finals so the only thing I can do is take notes in my free time, and there is very little of that going on. Oh well. Starting the 9th I will have a project up and running ^_^ and I'm very excited for that! Now on to writing a final paper on organizational communications, followed by a discussion board on family communications and the drafting of an essay on communication studies or my specifically, audio communications. Wish me luck!
Toddles! <3
Toddles! <3
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
In Need of a Muse
First off, according to this stat business that this site offers, someone is viewing my blog! I don't really write with the intention that someone will be reading this, but I can't help but get excited when I see that little stat icon bloom with numbers! Now if only comments were left in the wake of views! This was my blog for a writing class in school about 2-3 years ago and now I've come back to it in the hope that something decent will leak out my hands and onto my keyboard. I haven't been able to write more than a few short stories the last couple of years, mostly out of some confused fear of writing. I don't know why I am afraid to write, but I am trying to use this as a way to get back into the swing of it all!
So I have decided I need a muse! I need a topic I feel passionate about to write on! I love movies, so I could do movie reviews, but I feel like I need some sort of hook besides writing about any old movie. The same with books and video games. I want to practice maintaining my focus by choosing a topic and writing on it almost everyday. I need the disipline if I am ever going to get back seriously into writing.
I love writing more than anything but I know that I am not making it a main focus in my life, school and social things have been taking that spot. I wish I could make writing a career or at least a dedicated hobby. I want to find a focus, a topic, and just just go for it! The problem is that my brain has been stuck. I don't want to just write about myself. That leaves too much room to be wishy-washy. I want to find something that requires focus and knowledge. It's kind of like "Julie and Julia" when she wrote about cooking everyday, I need something like that to discipline me! Until then I guess I will just babble. At least I'm keeping my lazy fingers moving.
I don't want to stop writing, but I don't want to babble either (this is why I need a muse!) I'm listening to "Televators" by The Mars Volta. I've never heard a song that was so close to a religious experience (well except Dark side of the Moon, which I listened to for the first time yesterday!).
And now my Dad burnt lemonade so the house is filled with smoke....don't ask.
So if I am actually talking to someone, leave a comment. I want to know your thoughts! Maybe if you have a suggestion on what to write about, you could comment on that too!
Toddles!
So I have decided I need a muse! I need a topic I feel passionate about to write on! I love movies, so I could do movie reviews, but I feel like I need some sort of hook besides writing about any old movie. The same with books and video games. I want to practice maintaining my focus by choosing a topic and writing on it almost everyday. I need the disipline if I am ever going to get back seriously into writing.
I love writing more than anything but I know that I am not making it a main focus in my life, school and social things have been taking that spot. I wish I could make writing a career or at least a dedicated hobby. I want to find a focus, a topic, and just just go for it! The problem is that my brain has been stuck. I don't want to just write about myself. That leaves too much room to be wishy-washy. I want to find something that requires focus and knowledge. It's kind of like "Julie and Julia" when she wrote about cooking everyday, I need something like that to discipline me! Until then I guess I will just babble. At least I'm keeping my lazy fingers moving.
I don't want to stop writing, but I don't want to babble either (this is why I need a muse!) I'm listening to "Televators" by The Mars Volta. I've never heard a song that was so close to a religious experience (well except Dark side of the Moon, which I listened to for the first time yesterday!).
And now my Dad burnt lemonade so the house is filled with smoke....don't ask.
So if I am actually talking to someone, leave a comment. I want to know your thoughts! Maybe if you have a suggestion on what to write about, you could comment on that too!
Toddles!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Little Cup Fills Up
What can I say about the odd turns of the cogs in life? Well, first off I can point out how the damn things like to spontaneously change direction whenever they please. I also would like to make note of the fact that despite how cruel they can be, they also can also be generous.
Life has changed for me. I feel, better in a lot of way. Instead of being stuck in the gears of self-pity I have a sense of direction, like everything is finally coming together and, despite my doubts, everything does happen for a reason. All of that pain, self-doubt, arching fear, and self-loathing I finally feel like I deserve more, the first of that being a decent amount of self-respect. There's a lot of self-words going on today. That isn't normally a trend for me, I swear. I have a major, I have a path, I have someone who cares about me. I have all the things I thought a little more than a year ago that I thought I would never find.
I was so empty. Now I'm filling up. I'm a cup, a fat, tea cup that was collecting dust on the shelf. Now I'm am hosting sweet, flavorful tea that smells of familiar cinnamon and hazel. I hope someday to fill myself with more exotic spices like chia and such, but I will be patient for that. It seems that such patience has gotten me far, so I will keep that faith and persistence up. There can't be faith alone. There has to be motivation and strife. I am working towards the goals that I want. That is the best thing I can do
Love will keep us moving, it has kept me moving.
Life has changed for me. I feel, better in a lot of way. Instead of being stuck in the gears of self-pity I have a sense of direction, like everything is finally coming together and, despite my doubts, everything does happen for a reason. All of that pain, self-doubt, arching fear, and self-loathing I finally feel like I deserve more, the first of that being a decent amount of self-respect. There's a lot of self-words going on today. That isn't normally a trend for me, I swear. I have a major, I have a path, I have someone who cares about me. I have all the things I thought a little more than a year ago that I thought I would never find.
I was so empty. Now I'm filling up. I'm a cup, a fat, tea cup that was collecting dust on the shelf. Now I'm am hosting sweet, flavorful tea that smells of familiar cinnamon and hazel. I hope someday to fill myself with more exotic spices like chia and such, but I will be patient for that. It seems that such patience has gotten me far, so I will keep that faith and persistence up. There can't be faith alone. There has to be motivation and strife. I am working towards the goals that I want. That is the best thing I can do
Love will keep us moving, it has kept me moving.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
My Thought(s)
Why can't there be more hours in the day? I guess I'd rather be busy than bored! Yay silver lining! I just need to get away from reading for my conflict management class and enjoy letting my fingers glide across the keyboard with not fear of being judged about the fact that as of right now, I don't give a damn about my grammar. Having been sleeping too heavily, lately, to the point that I wake up exhausted. It's funny, last night, the night I have a border line nightmare, I slept better. I think I need to have dreams to sleep peacefully. That's my guess anyway. I wonder why I wasn't having any dreams for a while? I usually always have dreams. I don't think it's stress related because I have about the same work load. Hmmm....the mystery continues1
Oh well!
I'm not ready to go back to homework yet, so I'll keep babbling. So many internships I'm applying for that I can hardly see straight! I'm excited to see where I could end up! There's been a few other developments with <3....but I'm not going to jinx anything....I'm that kinda person. All I want to do right now is curl up with some popcorn and watch a movie, but there's more work to be done!!!! HERE....I....GO!!!!
Toodles! <3
Oh well!
I'm not ready to go back to homework yet, so I'll keep babbling. So many internships I'm applying for that I can hardly see straight! I'm excited to see where I could end up! There's been a few other developments with <3....but I'm not going to jinx anything....I'm that kinda person. All I want to do right now is curl up with some popcorn and watch a movie, but there's more work to be done!!!! HERE....I....GO!!!!
Toodles! <3
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Trying to be Positive
I keep bobbing between being positive and wanting to give up. My hope is that maybe if I hit rock bottom I'll have nowhere to go but up. I think the overload of work and homework probably has something to do with it.
I hope you like the changes I've made to my set up and background! Dandelions are my all time favorite flower! I'm getting so tired and tomorrow is going to be such a busy day because I have a major project due that I haven't started and a test I need to take online. Luckily I've already studied and taken notes! I just wish my work load would slow down, but I know it's practically my fault for taking breaks during the week when in reality, I need to be working at least a little everyday. Such is life. At least I'm figuring out what I need to improve.
Funny how I can sound so positive now, when before I was melting down. I finally walked away from the conversation. It's not anything the other person did, I just know when I'm spiraling what I need to do is to walk away so I can get a grip. If I stay around the person I almost feel like I have permission or an obligation to keep venting. I feel better once I walk away and breath. I feel a lot better now, less overwhelmed. The problem is I never know what state I leave the other person in and I know it's unfair to leave them hanging and worrying about me. Someday I'll find a way of balancing things but at least I'm starting to recognize my major flaws. I'm learning so much....mostly from my mistakes. I wish I could argue that I've learned nothing, so as to put less stress on the fact that I've made mistakes, but the reality is that they are there and they are waving the flag of various lessons.
Annnnnd now I'm babbling, but it feels so good to get things out, to let my hands run lose! I wish I had something more interesting to say than things about myself, but I'm at a point in my life where I need to learn to understand and accept myself before I'll be ready to let anything else or anyone else truly in. I want to get passed my problems and know how to fight them so I can be a better person to others.
Someday I hope that I will be talking about many different and exciting things. I know with time, I will. I will make it. I have to.
Love, love, love
Nothing insightful or impacting to say, just have things to say.
Take care
I hope you like the changes I've made to my set up and background! Dandelions are my all time favorite flower! I'm getting so tired and tomorrow is going to be such a busy day because I have a major project due that I haven't started and a test I need to take online. Luckily I've already studied and taken notes! I just wish my work load would slow down, but I know it's practically my fault for taking breaks during the week when in reality, I need to be working at least a little everyday. Such is life. At least I'm figuring out what I need to improve.
Funny how I can sound so positive now, when before I was melting down. I finally walked away from the conversation. It's not anything the other person did, I just know when I'm spiraling what I need to do is to walk away so I can get a grip. If I stay around the person I almost feel like I have permission or an obligation to keep venting. I feel better once I walk away and breath. I feel a lot better now, less overwhelmed. The problem is I never know what state I leave the other person in and I know it's unfair to leave them hanging and worrying about me. Someday I'll find a way of balancing things but at least I'm starting to recognize my major flaws. I'm learning so much....mostly from my mistakes. I wish I could argue that I've learned nothing, so as to put less stress on the fact that I've made mistakes, but the reality is that they are there and they are waving the flag of various lessons.
Annnnnd now I'm babbling, but it feels so good to get things out, to let my hands run lose! I wish I had something more interesting to say than things about myself, but I'm at a point in my life where I need to learn to understand and accept myself before I'll be ready to let anything else or anyone else truly in. I want to get passed my problems and know how to fight them so I can be a better person to others.
Someday I hope that I will be talking about many different and exciting things. I know with time, I will. I will make it. I have to.
Love, love, love
Nothing insightful or impacting to say, just have things to say.
Take care
Friday, February 4, 2011
[Insert something insightful here]
I'm currently at work (I'm a tutor, hence my use of the computer) and I only have...."looks at clock" two more hours of work and then 2 hours of waiting for my lil sis to get off of her job (we car pool). I just finished review my information and taking note on APA format for my test that is due Sunday. I'm about to work on finishing up my Conflict Management homework but I needed to long over due veg time. I really, REALLY want a diet coke, but I'm the only tutor in here at the moment and being such I'd have to close down and kick out the students working in here. So I'm waiting (and WAITING) for another tutor to come in an hour (or until I get off) so I can flood my system with sweet, syrupy acid!
Last night I fell asleep so much more peacefully than normal after writing on this. I'm starting to think that this blog business might be thereputic for me. I'm going to experiment with writing on here to see if it continues to work. It's funny because a diary or journal just makes me feel all balled up, like I'm keeping all my thoughts and worries choked down.
PAUSE
Sorry....Had to tutor three students and that takes a while!
Where was I? Oh yes! The difference I've noticed with a blog is it allows me to share my feelings with someone else, but because I have absolutely no clue who is reading this I am free from judgement (or if judgement is happening, I don't know!)
AND.....another student has walked in. Last week I was completely alone for two hours! OH well!
And.....back again. I'm tired and hungry despite eating my lunch. Well, now I feel like I'm just rambling away, so off I go to the wild...something or another!
Toddles!
PS-if I'm not just talking to a void, leave me a comment!
Last night I fell asleep so much more peacefully than normal after writing on this. I'm starting to think that this blog business might be thereputic for me. I'm going to experiment with writing on here to see if it continues to work. It's funny because a diary or journal just makes me feel all balled up, like I'm keeping all my thoughts and worries choked down.
PAUSE
Sorry....Had to tutor three students and that takes a while!
Where was I? Oh yes! The difference I've noticed with a blog is it allows me to share my feelings with someone else, but because I have absolutely no clue who is reading this I am free from judgement (or if judgement is happening, I don't know!)
AND.....another student has walked in. Last week I was completely alone for two hours! OH well!
And.....back again. I'm tired and hungry despite eating my lunch. Well, now I feel like I'm just rambling away, so off I go to the wild...something or another!
Toddles!
PS-if I'm not just talking to a void, leave me a comment!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Talking to the Void
To try and induce sleep I'm going to babble.
My plan tomorrow is once I get off work, I am going to come home, watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and eat pizza. I like this plan very much. Reminds me of the fact that my nephew Dezzy is taking a strong liking to the ninja turtles. So far he has "Lynardo" and "Raphyelle"'s names memorized and I couldn't be more proud! The little squish melts my heart!
It is settled! Work, homework, and than a night of pizza and movie classics! I approve of my plan and fully intend to see it through to the end! I'm trying to remain positive, even when I treat myself, as well as work on escalating my motivation. Maybe I'll work on my cover letter for the internships I'm applying for as I watch! =)
I am going to make tomorrow a good day, even if things go bad.
I'm promising this to myself now, so as to make sure that I don't be hard on myself later.
Wish me luck!
Toddles! <3
My plan tomorrow is once I get off work, I am going to come home, watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and eat pizza. I like this plan very much. Reminds me of the fact that my nephew Dezzy is taking a strong liking to the ninja turtles. So far he has "Lynardo" and "Raphyelle"'s names memorized and I couldn't be more proud! The little squish melts my heart!
It is settled! Work, homework, and than a night of pizza and movie classics! I approve of my plan and fully intend to see it through to the end! I'm trying to remain positive, even when I treat myself, as well as work on escalating my motivation. Maybe I'll work on my cover letter for the internships I'm applying for as I watch! =)
I am going to make tomorrow a good day, even if things go bad.
I'm promising this to myself now, so as to make sure that I don't be hard on myself later.
Wish me luck!
Toddles! <3
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Back From Nowhere
Okay.
So I'd like to say that I've neglected this blog because I've been swamped with other writing projects. I'd love to say that I am working on the finishing touches of my first novel or collection of short stories, but sadly this is not the case. I've been suffering from two major inconveniences in my life: writers block and and an emotional slump. School has got the best of me these days, given the fact that I've finally found my major (Communication Studies) and on top of my 5 classes, 20 hours of work, and finding and internship. But I'm not here to complain about my work load (much) I am here to write something, anything, I simply need to get any words out that I can because I haven't let my hands run wild across the key board in a long time. I don't really want to talk about my life. I don't want to talk about my writing. I just want to write. So that explains this long, deep breath of writing. I am just happy to exercise my fingers.
So....I hope that I can motivate myself to exercise like this more, but I make no promises. Things are hectic lately (as they should be at this juncture in my college career) and I make no certainty that my free time won't suffer (it has already) but school and work are my main passions as of right now. They have to be if I have any hopes of becoming everything that I want.
I'm sure you'll understand
Anyway, I'm pretty sure no one will read this.
So I'd like to say that I've neglected this blog because I've been swamped with other writing projects. I'd love to say that I am working on the finishing touches of my first novel or collection of short stories, but sadly this is not the case. I've been suffering from two major inconveniences in my life: writers block and and an emotional slump. School has got the best of me these days, given the fact that I've finally found my major (Communication Studies) and on top of my 5 classes, 20 hours of work, and finding and internship. But I'm not here to complain about my work load (much) I am here to write something, anything, I simply need to get any words out that I can because I haven't let my hands run wild across the key board in a long time. I don't really want to talk about my life. I don't want to talk about my writing. I just want to write. So that explains this long, deep breath of writing. I am just happy to exercise my fingers.
So....I hope that I can motivate myself to exercise like this more, but I make no promises. Things are hectic lately (as they should be at this juncture in my college career) and I make no certainty that my free time won't suffer (it has already) but school and work are my main passions as of right now. They have to be if I have any hopes of becoming everything that I want.
I'm sure you'll understand
Anyway, I'm pretty sure no one will read this.
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